Isn’t Everyone a Little Bipolar?

I can be up one day and life is exquisite and then down the next where I feel self-recriminations and a sense of despair. I’ve ridden the emotional roller coaster most of my life, so it feels pretty normal to me and is certainly less extreme post-menopausal. I like my manic-like excitement and passion that can easily slide into anxiety. That’s the risk I take with my caffeinated mornings and frequent wine-down evenings.

In a pharmaceutical culture big on pathologizing human emotions, I suppose I walk a fine line with my semi-polar, paradoxical states. I’d rather feel the ups and downs and explore the ins and outs of my humanity than be artificially flat-lined. I figure that if you’re not feeling world grief and outrage, you’re not awake!

I rode the mercurial emotional wave as an adolescent—isn’t that normal?—dealing with unpredictable mood swings. I think that goes with youthful hormones and the yearning to be loved and accepted…mainly by one’s self. Thankfully, I had somewhere and someone to turn to via…“Dear Diary”! I’m still journaling and feel that writing keeps me in tune with my soul. I also managed my moodiness from 15 to 25 years old by self-medicating on street amphetamines (bennies or mini-whites) and alcohol (beginning with Boone’s Farm). Coffee has long since taken the place of speed and I’ve gone on to finer wines. If I were young today, I’d probably be prescribed Ritalin or Adderall and an anti-depressant. I wonder what today's kids take to soften the edges and adapt while maintaining an over-amped nervous system. Alcohol and Red Bull or worse? I know that “power drinks” are the rage. Java Monster is my fave that I sneak from time to time. I still like to maintain a comfortable edge without becoming too edgy.

I’ve lived with long-standing social anxiety, labeled today as generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). My first panic attack happened in kindergarten, my second in first grade with random attacks in my late 20s. I’ve also self-diagnosed myself as being ADD (A Different Design), being easily distracted by an inquisitive and imaginative right brain. I dismiss having hypomania or cyclothymia, as suggested by a psychiatrist friend. I do not have extreme mood disturbances just periodic “concerns” with bouts of anxiety and despair. Hey, I am a highly sensitive human being, hypersensitive to my environment and to other’s emotions or non-emotions.

Where I feel somewhat “bipolar” is through being highly impassioned about nature and my planet. I am easily angered and outraged by man’s behavior and can become rather vociferous about my feelings and opinions, hence, my frequent use of the word “fuck” as an expletive, to my husband’s chagrin. Likewise, I can drop into a depressive or contracted state through my judgments and easy frustration. Miraculously, I emerge fairly quickly from these “spells”, and get on with my life.

This mercurial behavior is considered Fire energy in Chinese 5-Element theory, where one can easily flare with joy, passion or anger and then quickly burn out and go take a nap to revive. My spirit resonates with Fire types and can easily be dampened by Earth or Water people, but that is for another essay.

So, as responsive, right-brained human beings forced to live in a linear, left-brain world, aren’t we all a little bit bipolar? Or is that just introverted feeling types, e.g., INFJ? I do not judge myself as having a pathology other than being highly sensitive, passionate and self-aware. The only “treatment” I seek is a balance between doing and not-doing and finding respite with nature and gentle, awakened souls. Humor and satire always help. WTF and BFD to GAD and ADD!